Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Clean and Sober

I've made a decision: I'm stopping the drugs. Nick and I talked about it (when I even had the energy to talk) and we agreed that any relief I'm getting from this potent but evil combination of meds isn't worth the side effects. I haven't even had the energy to write in two days, let alone anything else. Since Sunday I've done almost nothing but lay in bed, and I haven't even been able to manage phone calls. The drugs drain my energy, break my spirit, and suppress my appetite. Even the doc said when we spoke yesterday that all they're meant to do is give me a little relief while my body does the real work, which is dissolving the blood clots under the skin. I've decided that I trust my body more. So effective a few hours ago, I'm getting clean (and sober: wine's off limits, at least until all this poison is out of my system.)

I'll go cold turkey. I'd rather feel the pain but at least feel like myself.

I haven't really been able to read since Sunday; that was when the drugs started to kick in. Before that, though, I finished the Battle for America book -- I highly recommend it. I've received two books as gifts, both very thoughtful (one is the new Doctorow, the other is the Senator Kennedy memoir.) Maybe tomorrow as my system flushes out the meds I'll have the attention span to start one. Inability to focus is actually one of the listed side effects of one of the drugs (don't remember which one; reviewing the side effects for both was like a "can you top this?" exercise -- one scarier than the last.)

More updates tomorrow when I'm actually able to start making things happen, instead of either passively letting them happen or even being completely unaware that they are happening. I'm more hopeful than I've been in a few days (that's a drug side effect too -- mood changes.)

I want my body back, I want my mind back, and I want my spirit back. And that's what's going to happen next.

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